Guardian Angel
by KandyPop
Summary: I was depressed. I knew I was. I didn't know why. I just hated everyone and everything. Not even a guardian angel could save me. Suicidal!Kyman Rated T for Language


Guardian Angel by KandyPop

_I was depressed. I knew I was. I didn't know why. I just hated everyone and everything. Not even a guardian angel could save me. Suicidal!Kyman Rated T for Language_

* * *

My name is Kyle Broflovski, son of Sheila and Geralda Broflovski, and I have a younger, adopted brother named Ike.

I am in the fourth grade in South Park elementary school.

I live in a cozy home where my parents teach me about my Jewish traditions and culture so one day, I can pass them down to my own children.

I am friends with Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and Eric Cartman. We might go through difficult times, but in the end, we're always hanging out at the bus stop in the morning, waiting for the school bus to pick us up.

I always try my best in school and I do well in sports and smarts. My teachers and coaches always compliment me on how good I am. It helps me go through my insecurity that I have about other things in my life like my religion.

My name is Kyle Broflovski and I am a fairly average, happy kid.

So why am I so sad..?

I was depressed. I knew I was. I didn't know why. I just hated everyone and everything. Not even a guardian angel could save me..

**Kyle's eyes fluttered shut, inhaling in the fumes of the frosted world that he was almost trapped in. Tears of joy he assumed, swarmed at the corner of his eyes and dripped slowly down his nose and melting into the icy patch underneath him. He was happy. Happy to melt like tears into a misty abyss.**

I'm not sure why I'm depressed. Not anymore at least.

All the thoughts that piled at my mind are now jumbled into a frenzy mess that's no longer rational. The world was one static mess to me.

Maybe if I could go back and time and see why I was depressed in the first place. What triggered the first thought that made me consider, "What's the point in living?"

But I don't think depression has any particular factor or trigger. It's really just life. You get tired of it- everything seems to be the same and slowly, you hate everything about your life.

The friends I cherished so much and hoped to keep for a long time- were not as important to me anymore. It's not like I didn't care for them. I just found that their problems suddenly didn't matter to me as much as my own did. It's a bit selfish if I think about it. I can't help it though. But, if I think about it, maybe it was never meant to last long. Maybe it was meant to end..I just need to think a little about it...

I'll start with Kenny. Kenny has been my friend for a long time but I never got to know him. It was always meant to end, wasn't it? That I realized long before, so I watched as he sat in the sidelines, never daring to even begin something that could have been strong. That was the first end I think.

Stan has always been my best friend since we were little and we did everything together. We shared among each other secrets that were bound to our hearts like string. But, one day, his eyes suddenly wandered away from mine and testing the foundation we created. He may have been in my team but he never held on to what we shared, at least now. That was the second end.

Cartman now was a different case. We were rivals from the start and the hatred for each other grew with each passing moment. But, whatever triggered the start, we slowly became friends and became more comfortable around each other. Suddenly, someone who was on the offense took my hand and a weird bond grew between us from there. It wasn't friendship and it wasn't rivarly. I'm not even sure now and I prefer not to.

If I think about it, I care for him more than my other best friends. Weird how the world works.

**He placed his foot slowly on the ledge, testing it almost, as a wild smirk grew on his face. The world was one static mess- jumbling between every event in a frenzy mess of colours- particularly the colour of red. How the world must love the colour of red for it tasted so sweet, yet bitter at the tip of its tongue. It must enjoy watching him dangle on the thread between death and life- examining with hungry eyes- waiting for their prey to fall into their trap and taste its blood.**

My family..

They too have lost concern from me, and I honestly don't mean to be like that. I just felt myself distance from them as their faces become blurry in my mind and even vision. Their voices calling from the hallways no longer could reach my ears. Not even a good scolding could get a reaction out of me.

I still love them, but with each second, every negative factor plays in my mind.

My Mom yells at me so much. She's so mean. Or maybe I'm just stupid. Do my parents even care for me as much as they do for Ike? I'm sure they do. Yet they don't show it and I feel so down because of it. Am I going to be good enough for them? But they should accept me for who I am no matter what's the case. These thoughts would play in my mind until it's three in the morning and I'm laid on my bed with my eyes looking toward the bland ceiling.

**"No one will miss me.." Kyle murmured softly under his breath, as he stared at the horizons. Beautiful colours of red and orange and yellow mixed together and emitting a warm glow around his body. It would be the only thing he truly missed about this world he was in. But sunsets could not miss a human being nor could they attempt to try and save a suicidal man. It was hopeless for him. He would be missed by no one and he-he would not miss anyone either. Tears continued to stream down his hollow cheekbones- his foot nearly shivering on the ledge nearly at the thought of death. "I don't..I won't miss anyone either then." **

I'm insecure about myself.

All the time.

No matter how high your scores are or how much compliments are passed to you, everyone is insecure.

I'm insecure about my religion. I'm insecure about my appearance. I'm insecure about my behavior around others. I'm insecure about my fashion choices. I'm insecure about my future. I'm insecure about my sexuality. I'm insecure about my relationships with others. I'm insecure about my whole fucking life and it fucking sucks.

I'm not even sure if being Jewish is the way to go. I mean, if the Catholics are right, then me and about every other Jew is going to burn in the depths of Hell where Satan awaits. If we are right, then those Catholics are still okay and they get to go to Heaven. I know I was brought up by my Jewish family and that I should be proud of my heritage, but at the same time, I can't help but question it.

I have awful orange red hair that curls in unforgivable knots and poofs out in an odd way underneath my ushanka. And while I may be tall, I'm too skinny- at least that's what Cartman says and I believe it too. Me and my perky tits- god I just wish I looked like someone else.

I'm always worried how I act around others. It's not social anxiety, but more of awareness of my every action contemplating in my head. I grow nervous and my palms become sweaty and like B. Rabbit from that rap movie, I choke on my words around others.

I'm insecure about my fashion choices. My hat is so stupid but I only wear it cause it hides my ugly hair pretty well. And I need to follow fads more often. I couldn't even follow the metrosexual. How difficult was it to simply dress a little differently than I was used to? Not to mention my hair actually looked decent in that hat. I just wish I could follow the crowd more for they seem to know fashion better than I do.

I'm insecure about my future. My parents expect me to be a lawyer like my dad or a doctor. Someone who would make a lot of money and bring money into the family. I don't even know if I want to be either of those. I don't even know if I'll live and find a way to strive. I could end up homeless or alone. It's scary.

I'm insecure about my sexuality. I kissed the girl, Daniella, and I may have sneaked a peek of girls' breasts like any man, but always that thought struck in my mind: why am I not actually interested in girls? That may sound strange but I mean in an emotional level. I never felt myself emotionally attached to a girl. Not even Wendy who was the closest to our group as a girl can get. I always liked how they looked and I tried to take out the girl, Nichole, on a date once, before Cartman ruined it with his gay speech and song. But, I could never find myself to truly like a girl like some of the guys could. I wish I would for I don't want to be rejected by my family or friends. Now that's adding on to my insecurities.

I'm insecure about my relationships with others. I wonder if I even have a stable friendship with my claimed as best friends. I never connected well with Kenny from the beginning, sort of distanced myself from Stan, and have an odd relationship with Cartman that I can't really define. It might be my fault though. And that makes me insecure too.

I'm just insecure about life. I guess that's the general point of this all. It fucking sucks. I don't want to be insecure. Insecurity really can drag a person down.

**"I'll miss you. I already missed you once and I don't want to miss you again now." **

_Bullies and simply hate in our world._

_Now, you might think I'm referencing to Cartman. Well that is partially true, I'm talking more on a general standpoint. There's just so much hate in this world and I'm sick of it. Bullies that torture each other physically, emotionally, and maybe purposefully and maybe not. I guess I could be a bully too and I wouldn't know. The thought alone is depressing and makes me revolt myself._

_Cartman, though this may sound cheesily, is like the world today. He's bitter, cruel, not accepting of other people, racist, and is a fat ass which is everything the world is. But inside, there is something warm and pleasant. I don't like to say this..or maybe I do. I'm not sure since I don't know what we are. But, he has some heart in there. He's manipulative but it's not always a bad purpose or at least, not the worst. He brought Nicole and Token together and while it may have been a racial issue, he did bring love and that is something. And he saved people, while it may be for a selfish desire, he did indeed save people. Hell, he could even miss people. At least, I'm sure he can. _

**"What are you doing here Cartman?" Kyle asked, not breaking his gaze away from the horizon. His smile diminished and curved slightly downwards into a small frown. He didn't want anyone to be here with him, especially Cartman. The world was truly a cruel man, stripping away his desires just to see some drama. He wondered what colour drama was. It must be a sickly colour of purple, for blood and tears are exactly what makes up drama in this world.  
**

**"You can't do it Kahl. Why do you so badly want to end your life?" Cartman's voice sounded hoarse and desperate as he inched slowly toward Kyle like a careful predator. "I'm sure you have an explanation for all this..Is it because of me?" **

**"It's not you." Kyle snorted. "I'm surprised honestly. I'm just depressed. That's all. I don't want to live in this fucking world. It's useless and life will move on. The world is cruel like that. I will not be mourned."**

The last thing I should talk about is suicide. I'm not one to give opinion on suicide and depression and topics similar to them. But I realized that no one will mourn after someone commits suicide. Not for long anyway. The pain does exist and it is harsh, but humans were built to move on. I secretly want someone to lay their own life based on mine but no one like that exists, do they? It is rather selfish now that I think about it. Everything is selfish..everything that I want. No one I'm so insecure and that all my relationships are so unclear and breaking apart and that there's so much hate. It's because of selfish desires. They cause suffering.

When humans are naturally selfish but you don't want to suffer? It's simple as that. You fall.

**Kyle adjusted his other foot slowly on the other ledge, waving his arms hysterically to keep balance on the ledge. He didn't want to die so undignified like dignity matters though. He took a deep breath and adjusted his gaze so he was staring down at the moving streets, cars racing against the clock with speed and frusteration. "I guess this is good bye then, Eric." he managed to pull out a small smile one last time and fell. ****  
**

**He fell down toward the center of the world.**

_I was free from this suffering. I was crazy, yes. But I was free. And that was what mattered right now._

**"You're not going alone.."**

**And then Cartman jumped, following Kyle as they spun toward the center of the world. He gripped the back of his shirt, throwing his arms around Kyle's waist, snuggling close to it. He couldn't lose Kyle. He just couldn't. **

**And the two fell.**

**But no one would know. For mere tears were forgotten with plastered smiles. **

**So they fell and fell and fell until they disappeared into a misty abyss. ** **  
**

_The victim and his guardian angel. _

_The guardian angel couldn't save the victim for his wings were too weak and his words slipped past his ears._

_So he simply followed him as they fell and fell and fell until they disappeared into a misty abyss. _

_Never to be seen or heard about again. _


End file.
